AUSTRIAN MAN IN GERMANY SUBJECT TO CONSTANT ASSASSINATION ATTEMPTS BY TIME TRAVELERS REASON UNKNOWN
MUNICH, GERMANY- A former soldier during the Great War in the Kaiser's army by the name of Adolf Hitler is, for some ungodly reason, under near constant attempts to be assassinated by individuals that claim to be from the future.
Hitler, when interviewed by our reporter that doesn't have to be paid due to shitty labor laws everywhere, said that this has been happening to him since he was a boy. "My first memory is attempting to be ground to pulp by a man who I didn't recognize. He tried to throw me out of a fourth-story window onto the streets of Vienna. He failed miserably by tripping over the windowsill, dropping me to the floor, and falling to his death."
Similar occurrences have happened throughout Hitler's life; the governments of Austria-Hungary and Germany have had to investigate multiple assassination attempts, often on the native of Branau-am-Inn when he was a boy or a youth. Attempted assassins have met all sorts of requirements, with varying skin colors and of both sexes. When interrogated, they include those from all over the world, from all countries and from countries that do not exist, and some not even being human (these are either some kind of nonhuman sapience or some kind of weird bullshit that came out of some pulp magazine). They report to be Capitalist, Democratic, Republican, Jewish, Christian, Mahometan, Hindu, Sikh, Buddhist, Communist, Socialist, Social Democrat, Nationalist, anti-Nationalist, anti-Communist, anti-Socialist, Democratic Socialist, Ideologist, anti-Ideologist, and Metaphysical.
This continued even into the Great War, with all sorts of weird shit happening to attempt to kill this poor son of a bitch. People would come out of motherfucking nowhere to kill him, but it usually would be German artillery and infantry that would kill these whatever-the-f***-they-ares from what claims to be the future. These include flying machines that were shot down by artillery or German aircraft, subterranean machines destroyed by running into landmines, and poor fucks that materialized in the middle of trenches, who died almost instantly.
Hitler has no f***ing idea why they want to kill him. "I really don't know," he said. "What would they have against me? Are they Jewish?"
While all this bullshit was happening, the author of this bullshit was watching our editor and our interviewer simultaneously because he can f***ing do that. "I can do all of this. I write this," he said when asked about such an ability. One critic from Annapolis, Maryland, said that this bullshit with Hitler was "a subpar plot device. Wasn't all the misery of the Great War enough?"
SODOM ON THE POTOMAC - The United States of America, via the voice of the celebrated General in the Great War, Clayton MacEvil, announced that it is sick and tired of Europe's shit.
"You see," said MacEvil, a native of Nashua, New Hampshire, and a commander of the American Expeditionary Forces in the Spring Offensive and the Hundred Days Campaign, "we are sick and tired of having to kill other white people. Now, since you pansy sons of bitches don't need us any more, we are going to go back to killing nonwhite people."
At this announcement was President Warren G. Harding, who was doing everything in his power to avoid f***ing his mistress right then and there. In addition to the adulterer in chief, several members of the MacEvil family were present at the rally, including Clayton's sons John Chivington MacEvil, Burton MacEvil, and Frederick MacEvil, all of whom had fought in the war. John received notability for murdering German POWs, Burton won a citation from his father for preventing black soldiers of the 371st Infantry Regiment from achieving something so that white people could, and Frederick had the innovative idea of strapping poison gas canisters to privates and having them charge German lines.
To make it look like Clayton actually gave a shit about the average white American, he had John go out and present his young son, Orville MacEvil, to the people. "Showing a child to the world makes it look like we care," said John. "It makes you want to stop sending people to die when people look like beautiful white babies that should rightfully continue white supremacy."
"I fought several years for this nation," said Clayton, white hair giving an impression of stateliness, "and this was only the second time we had to kill white people. I proudly served the country by heeding the call of yellow journalists in Cuba. I proudly served the country by massacring Filipino children under the command of Jacob Smith. I proudly served the country by shooting at Mexican raiders. I proudly served the country by seizing Panama to build a canal to Teddy Roosevelt. We have no more reason to go to war to kill more Europeans when there are so many other people to treat like shit."
This proclamation was acclaimed by the crowd, which cheered on the preservation of their sons and the continued exploitation of conquered peoples. After this, the MacEvils celebrated the occasion by finding some poor black caterer of the event and lynching him on one of the cherry blossom trees in the city. John let little Orville pull the final tug, hanging this man and leaving him to die.
BRITAIN PSYCHOLOGICALLY SCARRED BY WAR BUT NOT BY EMPIRE
LONDON, AND THE REST OF THE f***ing COUNTRY - The British public has been scarred by the utter brutality and horror of the Great War on its native sons, but has no problem with utter brutality and horror inflicted on the citizens of its Empire.
As the fallout of the massive clusterfuck that was the Western Front, Gallipoli, and Mesopotamia becomes apparent, shell-shocked veterans returned home with the promises that the political elite that caused this mess would, to quote wartime Prime Minister David Lloyd George, "A land fit for heroes, but not those we are busy oppressing." One housewife-turned-munitions worker from the small town in Fuckingham, in the eponymous county of Fuckinghamshire, said the following:
"The politicians created this mess. I fear for the future, honestly. Imagine if one of the men who sent thousands of young men to die on the cliffs of Gallipoli were to become Prime Minister!"
This young woman's husband, who the author is simply too lazy to name, was said to have had his left arm blown off by an artillery shell by the Germans. His wife said that others from Fuckingham had a similar experience, having been maimed and brutalized to pursue objectives in a war that really didn't f***ing need to happen. However, our unpaid shmucks did some research in Fuckingham and found out that a bunch of these men were actually blowing up large sections of Dublin to put down the Easter Rising.
When informed about this, the woman said "she had no idea," but that "conditions on the front were so awful that [she] was not paying attention to what was going on in Ireland," much as the British population has not been paying attention to what has been happening to Australian Aboriginals, the Maori, Canadian First Nations, Quebecois, Metis, Jamaicans, Barbadians, Dominicans, Antiguans, Saint Lucians, Saint Vincentians, Saint Kittitians, Nevisians, Bahamians, Trinidadians, Grenadans, Guyanans, British Hondurans, Maltese, Cypriots, Mesopotamians, Transjordanians, Palestinians, Adenese, Omanians, Egyptians, Sudanese, Kenyans, Tanganyikans, Zanzibarians, Nyasa, Rhodesians, South Africans, South West Africans, Bechuanas, Basutos, Swazis, Nigerians, Sierra Leoneans, Gambians, Cameroonians, Seychellois, Mauritians, Chagossians, Indians, Sri Lankans, Myanma, Malayans, Nauruans, New Guineans, Papuans, Gilbertians, Elliceans, Solomonese, and Niueans.
Our political analysts (did those people even exist in the twenties?) who are paid absolutely nothing and have a degree in bullshit from some exclusive university somewhere have looked at the situation in Britain to investigate the question of "when will the British people give a shit about the people they lord over?" The answer, unfortunately, was found to be "never."
METASPACE - After two months of absolute soul-crushing loneliness, despair, and desperately trying to ignore his academic life, the author has finally gotten around to actually updating this piece of garbage that he dares call a timeline.
"It's not dead!" called out the author, gleefully proclaiming this to a world that has lost so many people for bullshit reasons via horrifying methods, such as Spanish Flu, poison gas, machine guns, tanks, and other maladies brought upon the world by the fact that human beings exist. "A whole bunch of you motherfuckers may be dead, but I sure as hell am not!"
Proclaiming this to a bunch of disinterested citizenry in Alexandria County, Virginia, the author proclaimed that "this timeline is not dead, unlike the Armenians in the former Ottoman Empire, which are still very much dead."
People, such as pretty much everyone worth writing a bullshit update to a bullshit satirical timeline about, in Turkey, the newly created future quasi-Islamist hellhole that was spawned out of the Sick Man of Europe, who died after a rather unpleasant beating by the Western Allies, objected to the fact that the author bothered pointing out the fact that they killed several million Armenians. "Go back to ignoring the plight of the Negro in your country!" spat some guy from Istanbul. "You have more important things to ignore!"
The author just smirked.
Still others are mad that the author used something so utterly awful as part of a joke. The author responded with the following:
"Have you not read my previous work? If my sense of humor walked a small town in Mississippi, it would be lynched. That's how dark my humor is."
The world just sort of gagged after that.
Last Edit: May 16, 2016 15:47:11 GMT by spanishspy
DRUNKEN LOONS PROCLAIM THEMSELVES TO BE GERMAN GOVERNMENT
MUNICH - A bunch of drunkards (which much be stressed is not the entire population of Bavaria) in a beer hall proclaimed themselves an actual government of Germany, somehow proving to be less legitimate than the shitshow called the Weimar Republic.
Clearly on whatever the f*** kind of drugs they're manufacturing in Berlin these days, this group of rabble-rousers led by an Austrian corporal who has had a bizarre amount of time-travelers trying to murder this shmuck by the name of Adolf Hitler took charge of a beer hall in Munich and whipped up the crowd with a bunch of bullshit. Being easily affected sheep, the people rose up and marched through Munich, breaking shit and killing people for no good reason. After realizing that the mob wasn't doing jack shit, Hitler and his cronies ordered them to march to no particular location before deciding on the Bavarian Defense Ministry. There, a bunch of people died senselessly and Hitler ran away from them like a little girl confronted with machine guns, mustard gas, and lumbering treaded vehicles.
For some f***ing reason this event has attracted the attention of armchair historians throughout the world, asking if "what if this nutjob gained the leadership of Germany?" When asked about this, Hitler went into a drug-addled polemic about how he was going to kill eleven million people. "Why would he want to do that?" asked some uninformed schmuck wandering Munich drunkenly. "Haven't we seen enough killing people for killing people's sake?" This person was then told to tell such a thing to the leaders of the world, upon which he broke down in tears. Before this update could get philosophical this man was hit by a reckless driver who was likely intoxicated.
It was little noted, however, that a noted purveyor of misery and death in the latest outbust of misery and death, Erich Ludendorff, supported the putch. When informed of this, armchair analysts merely said that they "had a bad feeling about this."
LONGWINDED BULLSHIT SOMEHOW CONSIDERED REVOLUTIONARY
LANDSBERG AM LECH, BAVARIA (LIKE ANY OF YOU GEOGRAPHICALLY LITERATE FUCKS KNOW WHERE THAT IS - THERE'S NO f***ing INTERNET IN THE TWENTIES) - Adolf Hitler, the man who tried to overthrow the German government on the basis that he was shitfaced, has now released a long rambling book hoping to reshape the human condition from one of misery, slavery, and death perpetuated by white people to one of misery, slavery, and death perpetuated by a certain subsection of white people.
This book, called Mein Kampf, or Shit I Thought Up While Banging My Head Against a Cell Wall to Remain Sane (a foregone conclusion), calls for the ascension of the German nation militarily and economically, calling for a repeal for Versailles (which totally isn't going to blow up in the Allies' faces) and states that a cabal of Jewish people is controlling literally everything that this nutcase deems bad.
"It's revolutionary, I tell you, revolutionary!" said some poor fuckwit in the streets who is just waiting for a repeat of the last miserable war. "This Hitler fellow will make Germany great again!" Several other people have said a similar thing while calling for the end of civilized government and relative peace. Because, for some f***ing reason, Jews are seen as the people most likely to be controlling the world when in reality they have been treated like shit by literally everyone.
And yet for some f***ing reason the people of the world have been hailing this book as a sign of things to come. "This book will lead to a massive struggle between good and evil between the years of 1939 and 1945," said one person pretending to see the future. "I would know; I'm a privileged westerner with the intellectual chutzpah to state the future as if I am a genius. I do so because I am one." Even so, it's not just people who are inexplicably not enjoying some of the best music the century will produce that are hailing this as something important; newsreel companies are covering this fuckwit and his rabble as if it's scripture; you can see one in one of your local newsreel theatres or something.
Most suspiciously, there are reports of an old German guy talking to Hitler as soon as he was released from Landsberg, who by reports of people around them was trying to erase him from history, thereby causing the development of all sorts of crazy weaponry decades ahead of schedule and starting a godawful war with the Soviet Union. "We had one of those a few years ago!" said one hapless innocent. "You'll have another," said the author, "Einstein or no."