Things That Happened Some Seventyish Years Ago

AUSTRIAN MAN IN GERMANY SUBJECT TO CONSTANT ASSASSINATION ATTEMPTS BY TIME TRAVELERS
REASON UNKNOWN

MUNICH, GERMANY- A former soldier during the Great War in the Kaiser's army by the name of Adolf Hitler is, for some ungodly reason, under near constant attempts to be assassinated by individuals that claim to be from the future.

Hitler, when interviewed by our reporter that doesn't have to be paid due to shitty labor laws everywhere, said that this has been happening to him since he was a boy. "My first memory is attempting to be ground to pulp by a man who I didn't recognize. He tried to throw me out of a fourth-story window onto the streets of Vienna. He failed miserably by tripping over the windowsill, dropping me to the floor, and falling to his death."

Similar occurrences have happened throughout Hitler's life; the governments of Austria-Hungary and Germany have had to investigate multiple assassination attempts, often on the native of Branau-am-Inn when he was a boy or a youth. Attempted assassins have met all sorts of requirements, with varying skin colors and of both sexes. When interrogated, they include those from all over the world, from all countries and from countries that do not exist, and some not even being human (these are either some kind of nonhuman sapience or some kind of weird bullshit that came out of some pulp magazine). They report to be Capitalist, Democratic, Republican, Jewish, Christian, Mahometan, Hindu, Sikh, Buddhist, Communist, Socialist, Social Democrat, Nationalist, anti-Nationalist, anti-Communist, anti-Socialist, Democratic Socialist, Ideologist, anti-Ideologist, and Metaphysical.

This continued even into the Great War, with all sorts of weird shit happening to attempt to kill this poor son of a bitch. People would come out of motherfucking nowhere to kill him, but it usually would be German artillery and infantry that would kill these whatever-the-f***-they-ares from what claims to be the future. These include flying machines that were shot down by artillery or German aircraft, subterranean machines destroyed by running into landmines, and poor fucks that materialized in the middle of trenches, who died almost instantly.

Hitler has no f***ing idea why they want to kill him. "I really don't know," he said. "What would they have against me? Are they Jewish?"

While all this bullshit was happening, the author of this bullshit was watching our editor and our interviewer simultaneously because he can f***ing do that. "I can do all of this. I write this," he said when asked about such an ability. One critic from Annapolis, Maryland, said that this bullshit with Hitler was "a subpar plot device. Wasn't all the misery of the Great War enough?"

To this, the author responded "no."

BRITAIN PSYCHOLOGICALLY SCARRED BY WAR BUT NOT BY EMPIRE

LONDON, AND THE REST OF THE f***ing COUNTRY - The British public has been scarred by the utter brutality and horror of the Great War on its native sons, but has no problem with utter brutality and horror inflicted on the citizens of its Empire.

As the fallout of the massive clusterfuck that was the Western Front, Gallipoli, and Mesopotamia becomes apparent, shell-shocked veterans returned home with the promises that the political elite that caused this mess would, to quote wartime Prime Minister David Lloyd George, "A land fit for heroes, but not those we are busy oppressing." One housewife-turned-munitions worker from the small town in Fuckingham, in the eponymous county of Fuckinghamshire, said the following:

"The politicians created this mess. I fear for the future, honestly. Imagine if one of the men who sent thousands of young men to die on the cliffs of Gallipoli were to become Prime Minister!"

This young woman's husband, who the author is simply too lazy to name, was said to have had his left arm blown off by an artillery shell by the Germans. His wife said that others from Fuckingham had a similar experience, having been maimed and brutalized to pursue objectives in a war that really didn't f***ing need to happen. However, our unpaid shmucks did some research in Fuckingham and found out that a bunch of these men were actually blowing up large sections of Dublin to put down the Easter Rising.

When informed about this, the woman said "she had no idea," but that "conditions on the front were so awful that [she] was not paying attention to what was going on in Ireland," much as the British population has not been paying attention to what has been happening to Australian Aboriginals, the Maori, Canadian First Nations, Quebecois, Metis, Jamaicans, Barbadians, Dominicans, Antiguans, Saint Lucians, Saint Vincentians, Saint Kittitians, Nevisians, Bahamians, Trinidadians, Grenadans, Guyanans, British Hondurans, Maltese, Cypriots, Mesopotamians, Transjordanians, Palestinians, Adenese, Omanians, Egyptians, Sudanese, Kenyans, Tanganyikans, Zanzibarians, Nyasa, Rhodesians, South Africans, South West Africans, Bechuanas, Basutos, Swazis, Nigerians, Sierra Leoneans, Gambians, Cameroonians, Seychellois, Mauritians, Chagossians, Indians, Sri Lankans, Myanma, Malayans, Nauruans, New Guineans, Papuans, Gilbertians, Elliceans, Solomonese, and Niueans.

Our political analysts (did those people even exist in the twenties?) who are paid absolutely nothing and have a degree in bullshit from some exclusive university somewhere have looked at the situation in Britain to investigate the question of "when will the British people give a shit about the people they lord over?" The answer, unfortunately, was found to be "never."

DRUNKEN LOONS PROCLAIM THEMSELVES TO BE GERMAN GOVERNMENT

MUNICH - A bunch of drunkards (which much be stressed is not the entire population of Bavaria) in a beer hall proclaimed themselves an actual government of Germany, somehow proving to be less legitimate than the shitshow called the Weimar Republic.

Clearly on whatever the f*** kind of drugs they're manufacturing in Berlin these days, this group of rabble-rousers led by an Austrian corporal who has had a bizarre amount of time-travelers trying to murder this shmuck by the name of Adolf Hitler took charge of a beer hall in Munich and whipped up the crowd with a bunch of bullshit. Being easily affected sheep, the people rose up and marched through Munich, breaking shit and killing people for no good reason. After realizing that the mob wasn't doing jack shit, Hitler and his cronies ordered them to march to no particular location before deciding on the Bavarian Defense Ministry. There, a bunch of people died senselessly and Hitler ran away from them like a little girl confronted with machine guns, mustard gas, and lumbering treaded vehicles.

For some f***ing reason this event has attracted the attention of armchair historians throughout the world, asking if "what if this nutjob gained the leadership of Germany?" When asked about this, Hitler went into a drug-addled polemic about how he was going to kill eleven million people. "Why would he want to do that?" asked some uninformed schmuck wandering Munich drunkenly. "Haven't we seen enough killing people for killing people's sake?" This person was then told to tell such a thing to the leaders of the world, upon which he broke down in tears. Before this update could get philosophical this man was hit by a reckless driver who was likely intoxicated.

It was little noted, however, that a noted purveyor of misery and death in the latest outbust of misery and death, Erich Ludendorff, supported the putch. When informed of this, armchair analysts merely said that they "had a bad feeling about this."